i dread to think where she'll end up with a heart like that.

I don't understand anything that happens, ever. It really is baffling how i still wake up and still go to sleep every night and i'm still trundling along. At what point did i decide this was still a good idea?

Literally, the past 3 years have been awful and weird and brilliant and life changing and terrible all in one.

I'm 20 next week, that is the end of this period of my life. I'm about to start University and i'm about to start living the way i wanted to before you fucked it all up for me.

I'm not letting anybody fuck it up this time.

Oh, and i'm not being bitter anymore ;)

I fall on my feet!?

Things have been going extraordinarily well. When this happens i tend to feel extraordinarily uneasy and then things become very ordinary all over again. I would like to savour the moment but really, surely it's on the way out!?

Lights & Sounds at Shepherds Bush last night...supporting Metro Station. Now, i'm by no means a fan of Metro Station. But that is a pretty big deal? Overheard a guy say to James 'you were better than Metro Station!' They literally played for 40 minutes, it was poor, AND they played to a backing track. The only stage presence was that infuriating brother of Miley Cyrus, chucking his numerous guitars to a complete dweeb to stage right. 'Trace'? was a moron. He stripped off, needed a towel to dry himself because he's that important, and was wearing a droopy black cardigan that left a lot to be desired in terms of covering up; as if i want to see that?! His tiny nipples and awful tattoo's and lanky body! Urgh! But apparently every other girl in the room (minus Charlie, i hope) loved it and was begging to see it. He knew it. The whole thing was pretty awful and cringeworthy. Mainly because 3 years ago, prett sure i would have been one of the obsessed. Oh, his voice also sounds like that of a paedophile.

Anyway! Back to the main point. Lights & Sounds were absolutely amazing. They sounded brilliant, they all looked awesome - 'i told him to wear the checked shirt with the grey underneath..i thought it look hot' - and they just looked like it was easy and they were having an awesome time. So all in all, so proud. 

Also, got my accomodation for uni today...THIS IS WHAT I MEAN BY EVERYTHING GOING STUPIDLY RIGHT AT CRUCIAL POINTS!? Okay so firstly, i've gotten into every Uni and course i have had my heart set on (i've applied twice and never quite knew my main choice so this is quite an achievement), before that, managed to get back into sixth form and pretty much rule my A levels, then i got into Manchester, then i got the job at Topshop despite breaking jewellery and not knowing any answers to the interview questions, and now i've somehow got my first choice accomodation?! For a normal Becky High overachiever -fine. For me!? It's bloody ridiculous. Richmond Park, single room with ensuite and shower. Fuck. Off. I'm not even bragging, that would imply that i understood and wanted to show off about it to everyone else..when in actual fact I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'm waiting for it all to go wrong. (but it is quite fun.)

slow down the time

Absolutely mad.  Paris and Venice trip was awesome, but if you want stories (of which i have many) then ask me. Not that anyone really reads this; this is purely for my venting purposes i suppose. 

I feel really weird tonight. Just watched American History X and its made me feel so weird about life! Like yeaaah all the racial stuff is thought provoking...but mainly i just thought about growing up and having to make my own personal decisions and forming my own opinions based on my thoughts and ideas...not those of my family or friends. Soon i'm going to have to stand up for what i believe in, and have to actually know what i'm talking about. I'm good at making it seem like i know what i'm talking about. It must be nice to actually know. Comforting that even if you lose the argument, you KNOW you are right. Where as generally i just get thoroughly pissed off, not because i've suffered a great injustice over what i'm fighting for...but merely just cause i'm wrong and my opinion didn't rule. I am pathetic and immature like that and i guess i pretend not to be. I don't even know. 

..but that's mainly over stupid things like what fake tan smells worst and whether or not salad is a vegetable (its fucking not.) Never really over the things i really believe in, because i know everything there is to know about those things. I hate when people think i'm unintelligent. Somehow i give out the impression that i am stupid and easily manipulated and you can shove your ideas down my throat. I hate feeling patronised. I am not stupid and you are no better than me regardless of what you claim to be or do. You have your field, i have mine; neither is superior nor inferior. And to think that your knowledge spans over into my own? To be good at one thing is to be good at one thing. It does not make you rise above all others. Go away.

Saying that, i suppose i've contradicted myself. I do have my own opinions, which largely disagree with that of my family and friends. I don't know, maybe i'm wrong. But the amount of discussions i have with people and come away pretty annoyed and unfulfilled..i guess that means something. I like disagreeing, it's more fun. But definitely never that rewarding. 

I just wish i knew about politics. I know i'm conservative blah blah blah. i hate the BNP and all that. But i wish i really knew. I wish i knew and could stand up and really believe in what i spoke about. Instead i just get pissed when people vote for labour, and then never really know how to follow through after i've questioned it.

I need to chill out.

hating.

The most uncool thing has happened. I finally get one of my bestest friends back after a STUPID amount of time that we have been apart. I am distraught and i didn't really think i would ever react in this way. The past two months have just been like...as good as high school in Year 11 but minus the shitty school part and plus the free time to do more extra curricular activities:

We went to The Farm with charlie, helen and charlie lewis. It was possibly traumatising with sheep being passed off as lambs that literally STAMPEDED TOWARDS US while we held what once looked like huge bottles for tiny little lambs to suck on, and ended up feeling like useless weapons for use against HUNGRY RABIES RIDDEN MONSTERS. and a see-saw that really hurt your vagina (charlie lewis didn't experience this...he didn't sit on the see-saw.) 

We saw Beyonce's film 'Obsessed'. i say we saw 'Beyonce's film' when really her input was a maaaad headbut and 'you think im crazy? I'll show you crazy...try me BITCH'. It was literally one of the best films i've ever seen...molly's a film snob and said it was rubbish but clearly she will buy it on amazon and never tell anyone. Admit it.

We booked a holiday to Paris and onto Venice which i keep trying to pass off as 'travelling' to make my gap year feel more fulfilled. In reality, it's DisneyLand Paris and smoking coloured cigarettes. There will definitely be an update of how this went, but considering it's the last few weeks i get until we become 'distant best friends' again, i am hoping it will feel every bit as fulfilling as the travelling i never did, probably should have done, and will never be bothered to do! 

While booking this holiday, we had massive issues with miscalculating prices. So eventually we were so in need of a place to stay that we just booked this looovely looking hostel, with a disgusting website, ripped curtains, three stupid little ducks in a fucking stupid little shitty logo. Yes. We had a place to stay. Thank God, you would think. Upon looking at reviews, POST booking, 'this is a dreadful place', 'i would rather die then come here again', 'do not stay here'. Molly also found out that some girl came home to find a man in her bed, and someone's umbrella got stolen. She kept this information from me though, because she knew i would run for the hills and probably never resurface if she made me stay there. We booked another place, which then cancelled and i had a mental breakdown, and finally settled with a place that seems a little too good and too cheap to have a buffet breakfast included and our own kitchenette. Still, i may stand corrected. I am petrified. 

And don't even get me started on Venice, the whole thing? Way too easy. Double petrified.

What else did we do. Um. Oh, we went to town basically EVERY SINGLE DAY and ate waffles and pick and mix and bought iPhones and made friends with this brilliant girl called Lianne from Carphone Warehouse.  I still talk about her and introduce people to her as i walk past Carphone Warehouse, i hope she hasn't noticed because i think she has no idea who i am. 

We ate noodles twice, which was lovely. We're noodle people now. And stalked the boy who works there because we both knew we knew him from a loooong time ago, facebook searched while we were eating and i left him a cheeky little wall post, which he in turn LOVED so i feel less creepy now.

Watched the Big Brother opening night (with black charlie bevan), watched Spider, Hercules, Ladette to Lady and a program called 'transvestite wives' while lying in bed with charlie. They both fell in love with my brother and called me the 'average joe' and the uglier sibling (in not so many words but essentially, this was the meaning. fuckers.)

We went shopping and had millions of awkward situations (mostly brought on by me, as is all drama and everything i worry about..self inflicted as always), and introduced her to my work friends and generally just watched her spend stupid amounts of money. And she bought a vest that LITERALLY has me on the front, it's creeeepy. There will be photographic evidence of this one day.

We went to Langely park with Helen, Christie, Emilie and Rachael, and she was not down with climbing up a wall to get to the part of the park that didn't look like an African plain, and so she let some little kids lead her some long way. They then proceeded to talk to us NON stop and christie told them there was a murderer in the woods, to which i blurted 'he killed my sister', and the kids really wouldnt leave us alone after that, saying i was lying and laughing at me. I whacked out the melodrama and started crying and then christie and i acted out a scene where she went missing and i cried in the shade screaming for her.. 'my other sisters been taken!'.  They finally left but only because their fat single mum on the other side (the African plain looking side, obviously.) called them over.

Some Susan Boyle lookalike walked past too, and asked us how our exams and our break from school was going. Not. Happy.

We tried to get her photo's developed from her lomo camera, (i still wanna see the outcome bitch) and met the most intimidatingly friendly eyebrow pierced woman in sainsburys;

molly: she was surprisingly nice!

sarah: she was, considering she has 'BITCH GIRL' tattooed on her wrist

i kid you not, BITCH GIRL in capitals. that is a mistake. a big. irreversible. mistake. 

We got stupidly obsessed with The Sims 3. It stopped us from eating, sleeping and showering. Best days of our lives.

Man we did loads of other things but i can't for the life of me remember them all. It's been such a good 2 months. I don't even know what i'm going to do without her..i finally felt like i had a different level here at home and had a different kind of outlet, and it's just going away all over again.

It's an amazing opportunity for her though, and i really really just want her to be the best that she can be. She has done so brilliantly in these past few years. I am going to hate life but be so proud. 

I also feel like, because we've stayed such good friends despite everything, we will always be friends. And going to visit her lots and spend lots of time in New York could potentially be so awesome. Gah.

Okay i know she probably hates me and i've cringed her out massively but i won't be able to say all that in life because i tend to be socially inept in matters of importance. and no matter how awful it all sounded i do mean it.  But.

The worst part of all of this..is that we never got to go to the monkey sanctuary.

Love you Moll xxx

the first day of my life

I recall Charlie telling me to do this ages ago, and considering the weather is nice and i have NOTHING TO DO for the most part, i figured today would be a nice day to give in. 

I just consumed dough balls and lemon fanta and it was beautiful. So now i'm going to go outside, listen to my life as it was when i was 16 on my ipod and smoke. 

Also, this is hugely weird. How much does this embarassingly awful creature look like me (minus the scene hair and she has a large mouth.. i cannot apologise anymore for how my hair used to be, but her mouth is freaking HUGE)

ughhhh